run,
run
rudolph
cuz i'm reelin'
like a merry
go 'round

was lost in

8.25.2008

the inescapable thirst for water
a sigur ros buildup
and a new wall with someone elses thumbtack holes

yes, i've been gone awhile.
but then again
i'm not sure how long i'll be home this time either

the anxiety hasn't left me for almost a month
and tomorrow starts the first day of my senior year of college.

today i drove home from new jersey with daria and we drove around in circles and smoked a bowl and ate munchkins and talked about the cycles that were always stuck in and the friends we wish we could save and the parents that need to be needed and all i could think of was how bright the flash is going to be the moment it all finally comes to an end.

evas swollen-shut sucker-punch blackberried eyeball
and the closing ceremony at the beijing olympics
are two examples of why we are reaching our evolutionary peak as humans

i want to feel comfortable in my skin again
i want someone to kiss me before i reach the bottom of this lip balm
i want to stop feeling guilty for laughing

i want to choose love

i want to believe there is hope for us

i want to stop wanting
start doing
stop thinking so much
start feeling
stop worrying so much
start bursting beautiful cherry blossom trees kid because day lights savings times ridin' the back of that wind and he ain't gonna wait around for you to start believing in yourself.

potentially, we could fix all this broken shit
our fist to cheekbone
disco ball mosaics

let us run away together
so that we may forget the
hardening of our soft spot

(so that we may remember
we decided to name
our children kite strings)

i miss the ways in which
we never quite were
but alas,
reminisce with me

and we love to take a bath

give me a few more moments to process this journey
and i'll get back to you when my brain re-solidifies

(my heart on the other hand, i'm not so sure)

dream log 1

Apocalypse

To dream of the apocalypse, signifies an emotional and dramatic change taken place within. The dream may also indicate the end of one kind of lifestyle and the beginning of another.

Tornados

To see a tornado in your dream, suggests that you are experiencing some extreme emotional outbursts and temper tantrums. Is there a situation or relationship in your life that may be potentially destructive? To see several tornadoes in your dream, represent people around you who are prone to violent outbursts and shifting mood swings. It may also symbolize a volatile situation or relationship.

Dog

To see a dog in your dream, indicate a skill that you have ignored or forgotten, but needs to be activated. Alternatively, dogs may symbolize intuition, loyalty, generosity, protection, and fidelity. Your own values and intentions will enable you to go forward in the world and succeed. If the dog is vicious and/or growling, then it signifies some inner conflict within yourself. It may indicate betrayal and untrustworthiness.?If the dog is dead or dying, then it indicates a loss of a good friend. Alternatively, it represents a deterioration of your instincts. Also consider common notions associated with the word dog, such as loyalty ("man's best friend") and to be "treated like a dog".

Fireworks

To see fireworks in your dream, symbolizes enthusiasm, creativity, and talent. It may also indicate that you are showing off and making a spectacle of yourself.

Airport

To see a busy airport in your dream, signifies the desire for freedom, high ideals, ambition, and hopes. It is an indication that you are approaching a new departure in your life. Some new idea is taking off or is ready to take off. You may be experiencing a new relationship, new career path or new adventure.

Bug

To see a bug in your dream, suggests that you are worried about something. It is symbolic of your anxieties and/or fears. What is literally bugging you? Consider also the popular phrase "bitten by the bug" to imply your strong emotional ties or involvement to some activity/interest/hobby. Alternatively, the bug may be representative of your sexual thoughts.

Green

Signifies a positive change, good health, growth, healing, hope, vigor, vitality, peace, and serenity. Green is also symbolic of your strive to gain recognition and establish your independence. Money, wealth and jealousy are often associated with this color.

full moon, minus one

6.16.08

i wonder how i will
explain these days
to my kids

how we did our share of
glow in the darkstar
lightning bug drugs
just to see the stuff
they said made up
our insides

how we saw god
in every lightning
storm one summer
and trusted not one
cuz we knew autumn
would break our
promises one day

how we flew
(oh, how we really did flew)
far far and away from this place
more times than we could have afforded

(more times than we had wished to remember)

but broke toes
on those shaky
landings
none the less
coming back
just to save
the ones
still left sleeping

at this very moment,
we are indebted to
none but ourselves

be not mistaken,
it is no coincidence
us having found eachother
the way that we did
(like the cheekbones of an
indigoed sunset waiting
to unleash itself
in the smile of our chests)

the way we
can smell truth
like our mother did
(out of the back of our heads)

how we did our share of
out of body experiencing
isolating our skins
from connection
so we forget where we come from

something about
praying for hailstorms
(the majority of which never would come)
to break open this glass ceiling of a heat wave
we've got runnin' down our backs
before the government
or the middle aged investment bankers
or whoever makes that thunder sound
clap
two three mississippi
CLAP CLAP!
(storms a comin')
eight nine mississippi
wayyyyyyyyyyy up there
that bearded dude
and all of his manifestations,
may he forgive our trespasses
and break this arc of a dream
into a bedframe
worth sleeping in

noah tells me about hopelessness
(he whispers into my ear
while i'm 4 am and wide eyed
somehing about being boatless)

he asks me why
mama ain't gonna
fix those problems
for him no more

how shes not gonna phone him
in sick to school no more
(something about a math test he can't miss)

the sky,
oh how it stares at us
all green eyed
and cumulonimbus

will my daughter
know the thirsting
of holy water?

will she feel hunger
known only to the insomniac stomachs
of epileptic blood hounds
who cry the call of
titan's three sirens

(the ones asleep in the belly of an
inflatible swimming pool
that ruined my front lawn
just a week ago)

oh,
the books we burned
trying to roast marshmellows

oh how innocent
we never once were

what kind of ring is that?

6.3.08

i laughed until i cried until i laughed until
until i cried because i realized that we were so young
so ripe so dumb so close to realizing the answers to
everything so on the cusp of connection. please dont let
me pretend to turn my head away from you the way that i
do because its only because im scared. please dont take
it personally. ive never been one to trust in the creases
between lip lines. don't leave me here. don't make me spill my guts infront of the entire class. don't make me pink cheeks. don't make me feel things so heavy like i do all the time. don't make me forget subconsiously. repress my memories like you promised you would. please.

of these things i am sure

1. i am a thing called alive